The Fellowship Goes Hollywood
by BlesstheMoon
Summary: Stupid title, but hey, I think it's actually ORIGINAL! PJ burns the Fellowship.


Disclaimer: I own nothing except the insignificant little words like 'the' and 'or,' which no-one wants. Also, I have nothing against Peter Jackson, or his choices of cast, although I did think Merry would be a little more sensible. With a friend like Pippin, you'd have to be. On the other hand, no-one sensible would have a friend like Pippin. Anyway, as far as I know, no-one's thought of this yet.  
  
The Fellowship Goes Hollywood  
  
Scene: A movie studio somewhere. A sign by the door announces "Auditions Today For The Fellowship of the Ring. Apply within."  
  
(Suddenly there is a blinding flash, and the Company of the Ring appears, all of them looking utterly bewildered.)  
  
Merry: What's going on? Where are we?  
  
Sam: I dunno, but it ain't like no place I've ever seen before. What do you make of it, Mr. Gandalf?  
  
(Gandalf strokes his beard for a moment, peering at the sign.)  
  
Gandalf: Well, I've no idea what an 'audition' is, but as we're 'The Fellowship of the Ring,' we'd best take a look.  
  
(They walk inside the studio, which is full of hopefuls yammering about how they should play so-and-so, or how they were perfect for what's-his-name.)  
  
Pippin: Gandalf, I'm scared.  
  
Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Be quiet and let me think!  
  
(He leads them over to the calmer section where people are reciting lines. On the way, they bump into a short man with curly brown hair and glasses. It's Peter Jackson, the director of the movie.)  
  
PJ: Hello, here for the audition, are you?  
  
Frodo: Well, we think so.  
  
(PJ looks at Frodo enquiringly.)  
  
PJ: I see. And what is your name?  
  
Frodo: Frodo Baggins.  
  
PJ: Ah, into the role already I see! Well, I like your ambition! Tell me, Mr. 'Baggins,' have you had any previous experience?  
  
Frodo (taken aback): Well, I brought the Ring all the way to Mount Doom, and-  
  
PJ (interrupting him): Of course, of course. Let me have a look at you.  
  
(He looks Frodo over, then shakes his head.)  
  
PJ: No, no I don't think you'll do. We're looking for someone who can portray a character tormented by inner demons, courageous in the face of certain doom. We want angst, people, ANGST! (Write that down, he adds to a passing man with a clipboard, who hurriedly scribbles 'ANGST' in big letters.)  
  
Merry (angrily): Now, look here, he was appointed as the Ring-Bearer by Elrond-  
  
PJ: And who are you, sir?  
  
Merry: I am Meriadoc Brandybuck.  
  
PJ (sighing): Whatever. So you want to audition for the part of Merry Brandybuck?  
  
(Merry is silent, confused.)  
  
PJ (turning to Pippin): And I suppose you'd be 'Peregrin Took' then?  
  
Pippin: Yes, I am.  
  
PJ: No, no you two won't work I'm afraid.  
  
Merry: Why not?  
  
PJ: You're far too sensible. (Sam snorts.)  
  
Pippin: Sensible?  
  
PJ: Yes, Pippin and Merry are the comic relief in the movie, you don't seem at all to fit. Although I do like your costumes.  
  
(Pippin and Merry stare at this strange man, feeling vaguely insulted.)  
  
PJ (looks around): OK, who's next? (his eyes fall on Legolas, who has been silent throughout the whole strange episode.) And you would be-  
  
Legolas: I am Legolas Greenleaf, son of-  
  
PJ (looking shocked): Well, Good Heavens, you can't tell me Legolas would look like that?  
  
Legolas: I beg your pardon?  
  
PJ (waving his arms wildly): You have black hair! Everyone knows that Legolas has blonde hair!  
  
Legolas: And this 'everyone' would be- (PJ ignores him).  
  
PJ: All right, all right, let's keep it moving, we don't have all day! (looks at the five remaining of the Fellowship) Hmmm, let me see now. (You there! he calls at Sam, who jumps.) You look like a hobbit, so you must be Sam, am I right?  
  
Sam: Er.yes.  
  
PJ: All right then. Let's see.You seem to be all right, but you're a bit young for the part I'm afraid.  
  
Sam (extremely confused): Young? (This time Merry snorts.)  
  
PJ: Of course, Sam is closer to Frodo's age, you're much too young.  
  
(By this time the entire Fellowship is not only totally confused, but also offended.)  
  
Gimli: Now, see here, who do you think you-  
  
PJ: Ah-HAH! You must be Gimli!  
  
Gimli: Yes, but look now, you can't just-  
  
PJ: No, no, you don't talk the way a Dwarf would, I'm afraid. I'll have to cast someone else.  
  
(Boromir now steps up, looking absolutely furious, but PJ has already started talking again.)  
  
PJ: Hmm, Boromir are you? But the Men of Gondor are supposed to be tall- plus you don't seem complex enough to play a character lusting after the Ring, but cunning enough to conceal it from his companions. (Boromir is now sputtering with indignation and astonishment.)  
  
PJ (counting on his fingers): Let me see, now who's left? Ah, of course! Gandalf and Aragorn!  
  
Aragorn: I am Aragorn.  
  
PJ: Now you I like! You've got that whole hunter-in-the-wilderness thing going? Were you on Survivor? (When Aragorn looks blank he continues) But can you be lordly? There are some scenes in the movie where-  
  
Aragorn: I am Aragorn son of Arathorn, heir of Elendil, and wielder of the Sword that was Broken (he unsheathes Andúril, but PJ has already blown past him.)  
  
PJ: And now we come to the leader of the Company. (looks thoughtfully at Gandalf) Hmm, you don't look very much like Gandalf. But tell you what, I can cast you as Saruman, how about that?  
  
(This is the last straw for Gandalf and lifting his staff he yells): Naur an edraith ammen!  
  
(Immediately a large bolt of lightning falls from the heavens and burns Peter Jackson to a crisp. While people are screaming frantically and running about, Gandalf leads the Fellowship out of the building.) 


End file.
